I have been studying and practicing Tantra for over 30 years now, it has been a wild and wonderful journey.
About 2 weeks ago I entered a spontaneous healing process as a result of my Tantric practice, both sexual and non-sexual.
I am now 56 years old, almost 50 years ago exactly, November 1962, I had open heart surgery.
I was 6 1/2 years old, always weak, no appetite, cold, couldn’t keep up with the other kids in play without great exertion. No one knew there was a problem. My mother took me to have my tonsils out (wish I still had them), during routine check-up it was discovered I had a heart murmur.
Your heart is meant to go “lub-dub” when heard as healthy, mine went “lub-swish-dub”, I had a big hole between my ventricles and was always mixing clean and dirty blood. It became clear I may not live long.
One month and several tests later I was in Vancouver General hospital for a breakthrough surgery.
I was the first child in the world to have this surgery, 50% chance of survival, which I was told going in.
My first day I was in bed, with doctors, nurses, and my parents all around. A nurse explained to me that I would have to choose which limbs I would receive injections in as I would lose the use of those limbs due to the quantity of injections I would get.
I asked to see the needle; old style glass syringe with a needle about 3 inches long, will never forget it. Stricken with terror I looked to those around for emotional support, nothing!
The adults were just as overwhelmed emotionally as I was. My parents were frozen, even my mother, herself a surgical nurse.
In that moment I made a joke, I said we should use my legs as the needle was so long it would go right through my thin arms! Laughter all around, except deep in me, terror, feeling utterly alone, unsupported, and abandoned.
As this was such a risky and new procedure it was done in a surgical amphi-theater with many observers above.
From childhood I have been very resistant to drugs, especially anaesthetics, so I require massive doses to knock me out.
A word here about anaesthetics, I read studies years ago that included many surgery patients describing their experience of being so sedated by the drugs they could not respond or communicate, but they were feeling the pain of the surgery.
They describe being utterly traumatized inside unable to scream. You know that dream where you wake up so scared you can’t scream at first? Like that.
I still remember their kindness, they soothed me a bit.
They were finally able to sedate me, or so they thought, I was still quite aware, hence I saw what I was meant to not see, the inside of the room.
Imagine a torture chamber with saws and cutters and pliers, etc, and a table with masked people standing around.
Above them was a metal rack, like a shower curtain from which hung many tools, in front, a bow-saw, a stainless steel large toothed mother of a bow-saw, it was 1962, no fine toothed surgical power saws.
This would be used to saw my chest in half!
Above that figures observing behind glass. No one had any idea I was aware. I could see and hear them!
I did slowly pass out, but not at first, and not soon enough.
I did not feel the scalpels, but at the moment the sawing began, I began to scream uncontrollably inside, my body seized into a permanent neurological contraction and vital contraction, holding dearly and hysterically to life, then I swooned out of my body.
My chest was sawn in half, my heart lifted out onto my chest, cut open, and then sub-dermal skin from my bum cheek was grafted across the hole.
This I think was brilliant, my own cells, no rejection, no plastic disc, minimal scarring. Brilliant, should still be done, I require no adjustments to discs or anything else for my heart.
I was legally dead for 13 hours, but not unaware. My body in a silent scream, and the terror of what I was seeing.
I was floating above my body, I could see it, and I could see many non-coporeal beings in the room, ie, spirits.
Being basically dead, I could see the other dead in the room. Some died from surgeries and seemed trapped there, but it was the other beings there to feed on the life-force of the weak that caused my mind to be almost paralyzed with fear.
This was my real experience, I have some clarity to the details, I have seen an aspect of an other side of this realm of experience, and it isn’t pretty. I do not want to go there again, so I work hard to purify my karmas for a good rebirth.
There is a saying: “religion is for those who are afraid of hell, spirituality is for those who have been to hell.” Been there, done that (and it was just the hungry ghost realm, not even hell realm)
I had to struggle with heavy energies and/or beings to reconnect with my body, and live again, which I apparently did.
It seems since then I have been struggling with spirits to stay alive.
I was meant to remain sedated for 36 hours, I had been told to only lie on my side, not to lay on my back or my chest would open. Tough responsibility for a 6 year old!
I awoke after 18 hours, I still remember that moment with absolute clarity. I knew in exactl detail everything that had been done to me surgically.
Even though I was strapped in I began to turn on my side, I groaned at that moment which the attending nurse heard, I am told she cleared the entire counter she was behind in one leap, crossed 40 feet of ward, and got to me a split second before I was able to roll all the way over, so that my chest would not split open.
Thank you maam!
I was in the hospital for over 1 month, it took months to learn to walk after the hospital.
Since then and to this day I see spirits, even more so now, it makes me a good healer. But it took years to come to rest with and see the usefulness for others in this.
I kind of thought I was crazy until I met Tibetan Buddhism and travelled to far off lands where this is ordinary, and it is.
According to Tibetan medicine there are 267 categories of spirits, which are accounted for with different medicines for them. That was a profound relief for me growing up in the suppressed West.
Not to mention quantum physics declaration of 11 dimensions, some definitely having beings some of us can see. And Jesus saw them too, that helped me when I was very young.
After the surgery my family was never the same. The emotional withdrawal of my parents support that first day never healed all our lives, they died in that state.
I was not held or nurtured after, especially by my mother. This impeded my healing physically, and until last week I have never fully healed from the trauma. My mother became a chain smoking alcoholic and my father withdrawn in pain & anger.
Now you know some about my major life-trauma. I have never told aspects of this story to anyone before, or even accepted aspects of it myself, until now.
I am not telling this story to get sympathy, but to share how even such a terrifying experience can ultimately be healed.
I have been driven by this underlying pain all my life to find a way to be free of suffering, originally for me, now everyone. I have lived stuck in a silent scream that finally stopped 2 weeks ago, 50 years.
I have been blessed to receive many empowerments and Teachings from my root Lama, Tashi Dundrup of the Shangpa Kagyu Tibetan Buddhist lineage, as well as several other great masters including the Dalai Lama and a personal blessing by Thrangu Rinpoche.
This is the source of of the Authentic Tantra I have been given permission to practice and teach. It is also ultimately the source of the medicine which would heal my core.
2 weeks ago I was doing my Shinay practice, “calm-abiding”(usable sexually or non-sexually), and to my awareness arose direct experience of my silent scream, no filters or resistance, I simply let it be and “looked directly at it” in “Mahamudra”(Universal Awareness.)
I saw it’s Nature, its mode of being, it’s physical process, and that it was no longer neccessary as a “life-jacket” or a drive of life strategies.
At that time I also became aware that my spirit-body, or shen, had not actually reconnected fully with my physical body. I was kind of behind and slightly above my body, then I fully reconnected, or re-entered my body, 50 years later!
This ended my “shen related affliction”, and was like meeting myself fully for the first time, deeply emotional. We are all getting along well.
Much of the memory returned, including exactly the moment of the scream, and my body is relaxing at it’s core finally, the emotional impact is profound.
Since then several friends have commented how calm I seem now.
This “demon” of my own mind & body is gone, the future is wide open. I take solace in the Teaching that the past does not exist.
I am unsure how I will emanate as a human now, many life patterns just plain gone, new life positive patterns arising free of that pain.
The ability came directly from my Tantra training and practice, both sexual and non-sexual. I am fond of saying “if I can do it, you can do it.”
My sexual Tantra practice healed my childhood heart surgery, what are you unaware you are holding on to?
There are amazing methods available to you now, but you must study and use them with a good guide. Thank you for listening and may this benefit any who need to hear this.
Jacques Drouin, a.k.a. Yeshe Dundrup of the Sangpa Kagyu lineage.